.::. GTI Wreck .::.

Eight and a half years ago I was in a nasty car wreck and came out unscathed. I was approaching one the worst manic episode of my life at that point. I stumbled upon a short writing I composed shortly after that accident that I wanted to share.

---

Darkness surrounds me as I leave my driveway in the newly purchased GTI. It is Friday night, and I am definitely ready for a little rest and relaxation. A house light flickers through the trees as I drive out of my neighborhood. Nighttime approaches so much quicker during the winter months even though it was only a little after seven. For the end of October it was awfully cold already, but the first snow was still yet to hit. My night begins with a trip to the movie theater. There was a new release that night and my crew was excited about seeing it, and I had volunteered to get tickets early for everyone.

The night air was cold and hard to breath, darkness had already settled in. The sharply colder temperatures caused nearly freezing rain to pound down outside. Traffic was heavy as it always is on Friday night, but I was not in any hurry. I was driving my 2000 Volkswagen GTI 1.8T and was still adjusting my self to the optimal comfort level. I had just taken off my seat belt to fix my coat when I realized that there was an intersection coming up. This is not an uncommon intersection for me to drive through. It is only about five miles from my house and I pass through it at least once per day. I knew that I needed to be extra careful through the intersection. Forgetting about the seat belt I continue into the intersection on green, but as I entered the light turned yellow. As soon as I saw that the light had turned yellow I also saw the other car! An older Acura Legend turned left in front me. There was no time to stop and my vehicle proceeded into the passenger side of the Acura.

At that moment all I saw was white for a brief second, heard the crunch of metal and smelt leaking auto fluids. Opening my eyes I see that I had just been caught by the airbag and I feel like I'm in one piece. Stumbling out of the car in a daze, I look around to see people running up to me. Asking if I was ok, and what had happened. Shaking them off, I told them I was alright and proceeded back to the wreck. The evaluation of the scene was not good. My car looked totaled, and given the age of the Acura it was obviously totaled as well. I approached the front of the car and saw the damage. The motor was hanging sideways and the intercooler had flown about ten feet from the car. I ran to scoop up the intercooler, becoming dangerously close to the oncoming traffic. The intercooler was mangled up beyond belief. A couple of the witnesses ran up and told me that I should get back over to the side of the road away from the traffic. Walking back to the side of the road I see my bumper laid out and broken up about fifteen from the accident.

Shaking my head I reach to pull out a smoke, but my hands are trembling to the point that I brake the first two in the process. I can not believe that I am alive in these first few minutes after the accident. My back was sore, and my body was pumping adrenaline. In a matter of seconds my night had gone from getting movie tickets to going to the emergency room. The trip to the E.R. was uneventful, and was checked out ok. I had felt different then. Something in me snapped and suddenly I did not know what was real and wasn't. Half of my mind felt normal when it was like a second half of my mind was awakened. This half of my find had been in the background for the longest time subtly giving me hints into enlightenment. Not ready to waken until the time was just right. It seems as though a second spirit has awakened with in me and the GTI wreck seems now to play a significant role in this.

.::. A night of normal .::.

Over the years I've always longed for some companion. Someone to hold and someone to hold me. Someone to love who loves me the same. I could go on with all the trite fall in love bull that we are all familiar with it but tonight I don't feel particularly emotional.

Most of the time when I write on this blog I'm at my worst. I've sunken into some depression or come down off some manic high that has left me staring out at the world as a bleak empty shell. Tonight that's not the case though. Tonight I'm writing on a normal day.

Life to me centers around my self. That may sound shallow or egotistical but its true. My ego rules my life. I have my immediate family, my daughter, one or two friends, and work. Most of days and nights are spent alone. I often turn to a drink to comfort me, or look for ways to improve my stance in the world.

The messed up part of it all is that I am often more interested in my materialistic desires than anything else in the world. Does anyone really care about the 40k car, the top of the line designer laptop, the tablet with 3g connectivity, the 150 dollar bottle of scotch? No. No one cares, and really hardly anyone knows I have these things.

So thing missing from my life the most, is simply someone to share my life with. At the rate I'm going I'll be single at 30, which is fairly common these days. However I always thought I would be long married by now. Alas, maybe I'll find someone someday. Of course statistically I'll probably end up divorced so I may be better off staying single.

.::. Drunken Regrets .::.

As I reflect upon years gone past

I am realizing my life wont last

The things I've done at work

Have been triumphed the best

The things I've done for me

Have left me looking at the rest

Maybe one day I'll figure out the balance

Until the day I guess I'll keep drinking from this chalice

.::. Speed .::.

Speed.
Focus.
Agility.
Concentration.
---
In and out
Diving left and right
Pushing forward
In the moment
---
Don't
Don't ever stop
---
Stop and you'll burn out

.::. Depressive Musings, emotions, insanity. .::.

Leaning towards dawn of years past

Envisioning our time,
reliving the day

Do you Remember?
Do you Care?

Hallucinations of actions never taken,
filed in thy mind along with purple camels

Drudging Along

iNSanitY

Driving the course of the
Tangerine Taxi Cab of

LIFE

Seeking the golden llama
The Holy GraiL

The Money
The Dollars
The Euro
The Cent

Imagining for a frozen moment in time that life was truly
HAPPY!

Not lonely
nor poor
nor tormented
nor deadly

Just Imagine
a LIFE

truly Happy!

Blue skys filled with green Palm Leaves
Your companion at your side.
Standing hair shining
Glistening among the mid Day Sun

Looking over...
A smile, a glance of pure desire.

The need for you and your need for them is simply
in denial.

A wall seperates a corporate attitude
even more
a family
a band
much work is needed.......

Let it stand as is,
GOD has a plan.

Floating through a meloncholy dreamworld
of broken hearts and tear filled eyes.

Seeking sunshine never found
misery Surrounds

Twilight birds sing songs of sorrow
Mindight stars bring in tomorrow

Deppressive states of mind flood my eyes with
BLOOD RED images of Death & Sorrow

Lonliness
is my companion

She's always faithful
always there.

She never angers or shouts

She's always my deppressed companion.
She never doubts!

Never screams never lies never cheats.

I'm a life long member of the lonely hearts club band.
Hopefully you'll never Join.

.::. Just Friends .::.

You know what one of the shittiest feelings in the world is? It's that feeling you get after you spend a wonderful evening with somebody. Dinner, drink some wine, enjoy each other's company. The conversation is going great, both us are laughing. Eye contact is being made... But then at then end of the night you make a move and she kisses you back, gently. This isn't an impulse kiss out of lust where you immediatly shove your tounges down one anothers throats until you feel her thorax. No this is one those kisses you want at the end of a date, well maybe not all dates, but at least after the ones of girls you want to keep around. The kiss is soft and passionate, you pull back her hair a bit and breathe heavy on her neck. But then the bomb drops....
....
....
....
She busts out the one word, you really don't want to hear. The F word, that's right, she brings out the whole friend argument. Bubbles burst, bombs explode, statues topple. The night of it hurts, but even more so it hurts when she actually calls you back a week later.... Fuck It.

.::. Missing .::.

Standing there
Waiting there
Impatient there

Looking through clouded panes

Missing
    Wishing
        Not believing

All the things you have done

Torment
    Dissent
        Lament

Found Love
Drowned Love
Miss our Love

.::. Emotional Rage .::.

Touch me
    slowly from the inside.

Hold me
    tightly gripped around.

Just don't ever slip away,
I can't begin to miss today.

I watched as you caressed soft skin as if
    I were an angel.

I stopped and saw my eyes melt and meld
    within a crater.

Just don't let me feel alone
craving pulse in drum.

Running
    always hurt and torn

Screaming
    emotions burning rage

Can not seem to comprehend,
Why wont this rage ever end?

I guess a lesson I shall never learn
    one to protect.

Protecting mind and heart from demon
    she will collect.

Love is a haze in society,
An emotional rage, a falseity.

.::. True Friends .::.

Leaving friends behind,
Remembering all the times.
The times we spent together.

So sad these things I know now,
Thinking all my thoughts out loud.
Finding out the truth behind you all.

I was here when you needed me,
You were gone when I called upon thee.
Pretending my crys were just a phantom.

True friends are hard to find,
Always helping in a bind.
When you find one hold on tightly.

A true friend does not let you down,
Stays in touch in another town.
Always caring, Always believing.

.::. Poetry Blog - Infinite Darkness of the Soul .::.

I ran across a poetry blog that I think you might enjoy Infinite Darkenss of the Soul. I highly reccomend you check it out. In particular I found the poem Smoke & Mirrors quite moving.

.::. Solitude Today .::.

No longer searching.
No longer yearning.

Now I must embrace being alone.

For so long I looked to replace you.
For so long I tried to forget you.

Now I'm finally empty.

Forgetting the times we had.
The good and the bad.

I am better off without you.

Alone is not so bad.
Though it can drive me mad.

I can live without my sanity.

Because what you did to me.
Constantly spat on me.

Somehow I still forgive you.

Memories slowly fade away.
Simply forgetting those days.

Embracing solitude today.

.::. Love once grand .::.

It's a been long time.

A long lonely time.

Since I've taken the time,

To sit and write a rhyme.

Life's been pushing down hard.

Stressing emotions thin.

Not quite sure when to grin.
Not capable of thinking.

The battle has been fought,

Even though they were for naught.

You aimed at me with intense precision,
Failing to realize my own decision.

It seemed like an eternity.

As I watched that arrow burn freely.

Shocked but knowing surely,
That I must attack greatly.

I truly do not understand.

How our Love once grand.

Became so bland.


It was once grand, now it's merely anger.

.::. Lonely & Longing .::.

Patience is running out,
Kindness is nearing limits,
You have left me full of doubt,
It seems you'll never commit.

.::. So Long .::.

So long good friend of my mine,
We've had some truly amazing times,
I hope you come to terms with it all,
Otherwise you'll take a horrid fall.

Too many times we've taken that drive,
Those muddy afternoons I felt alive,
Riding along thru noon and night,
Never stopping not even with this spite.

.::. Happiness is like a butterfly. .::.

Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder.

--
Nathaniel Hawthorne